Author: taylor

Horoscopes Aren’t Real, And They’re Not Cute Either

 

My ex girlfriend knew we were perfect for each other. She probably thought that because I’m a Capricorn, and she’s a fucking idiot.

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A nice thing about being a straight female is that it is a rarity for a potential suitor to ever ask me what my sign is. If you’re a dude who was hitting it off with a girl one time and and she backed off once she found you were a Taurus, I sincerely do apologize for my kind. This stuff really happens, and makes pettiness like “I only date people with six packs and six figure salaries” look reasonable. And if you’re a girl who gets asked this a lot, you should probably find a different type.

The people who don’t really believe in it but have a copout excuse such as,”It’s fun idea to think about” are even worse than the people who believe it to the core. It’s a relatable and conversation-friendly form of tarot card reading, tea leaf burnings, or contacting ghosts. And I know you’re smart enough to not believe in those. Even if the roots of astrology were hypothetically real, how do you determine who’s feeding you bullshit and who’s telling you factual information because they’re true astrological practitioners? I know someone who writes horoscopes for money and she’s definitely  a regular person who writes formulaic relatable garbage not based on any stars. Someone out there is getting paid to tell you things that have no basis in reality.

The most obnoxious portion of astrology is the confirmation bias that accompanies it. Those who have drawn parallels between relationships between their relationships and astrological signs truly deserve some mental gymnastics gold medals. Someone who is 500% sure one of their relationships was so great because of sign compatibility also has a laundry list of excuses why it’s still true when it doesn’t work out between the same signs later. This is where the cuteness flies out the window. Wouldn’t you rather be your significant other’s soulmate because of your personality rather than because you were born on a certain day?

I’m astounded that people actually think that things are decided by the cosmos and not by actual personality traits. At an extremely basic level, if you believe in astrology, you believe that people born in the same month have similar personalities and will all find love or have a big change in their life at the same time. And when you put it that way, it sounds stupid as hell. Next time your relationship fails because your boyfriend cheats on you, it’s probably because you date assholes, and not because all Geminis are cheaters.

It’s Not Frank Ocean’s Fault – Stop Listening To Internet Rumors

After the masterpiece that was Channel Orange, we have long been anticipating Frank Ocean’s next album release, titled Boys Don’t Cry. We were promised it last year, and we were also promised it today, June 3rd, 2016. The album, and Frank Ocean are nowhere in sight. We know you’re upset, because we are too.

Except, Frank Ocean wasn’t the one who made the promises, so why be mad at him? One news source just has to erroneously print that it was supposed to be released today. Since journalistic integrity no longer exists, other media outlets also believe it to be true and it you end up with a torrential shitstorm of articles and tweets like we had yesterday.

How many times has RIP Eminem trended on twitter? Eminem has died 500 times in 500 different ways on viral social media, and obviously none of it is true. This news spreads in the same exact fashion. If you don’t hear the word directly from Frank’s mouth, or someone directly out of his camp, there’s no reason to be mad at the guy. After all, we’re not mad at Eminem for allegedly being dead.

In all likelihood, an actual song will be leaked from Frank’s album before any factual information about a release gets out. We really do wish that today was the day, but we’re just going to have to wait it out, guys.

Your Mother Might’ve Been A Thirst Trap

If your parents had Instagram in the 1980s, they’d be some real shitheads too. I visited my mother’s house this weekend, and while looking for one of my elementary school art projects, I stumbled upon a box of love letters addressed to my mother. I was thinking that I’d laugh at the memories of the early love of my now divorced parents, but I quickly noticed that the senders were not my father, nor were they any of the other college boyfriends that she had told me about. There were letters from at least eight different guys who I had never heard of before. That’s when I discovered that my mother was the 1980s equivalent of a thirst trap, and I had just taken a peek at her DMs.

The act of looking very attractive to the opposing gender to lead them on to rejection

I inherited blonde hair and large boobs from my mother, and with the amount of male attention that I get by barely leaving my apartment, I couldn’t even imagine how many guys were after her. At least enough for a few handwritten and stamped letters from a bunch of stupid-haired 1980s boys, right? I immediately asked her about the letters and she essentially told me she kept them to laugh at them, and that she didn’t even remember who most of the boys who sent them were. That’s when I realized it wasn’t that much effort to send a letter back in the day, it was just how things worked.

In my head, I immediately recalled plenty of girls my age who had shown me awful DMs and texts that they got from 2010s boys and it really was the same thing. She had no idea who any of the guys were who sent her but she kept the letters as if she were an instagram hoe with nothing better to do than post half naked pictures and see who bites.

A lot of people talk about how social media ruined everything, but at this point I really think it just provides shortcuts for the same garbage. Is it really that much better to collect handwritten letters than likes? I personally will take halfassedly responding to people’s texts while I watch House of Cards on Netflix to holding a house phone to my ear.
Excuse me while I try to flush out the image in my head of my mother being a hoe,
Tay Out

The Modern Internet Racist – Justifying against Social Justice

We all have that crazy uncle who posts articles on Facebook about how there’s nothing wrong with the Confederate Flag. You’ve scrolled down and read a bunch of comments about how the millennial generation is far too sensitive and they’re ruining the world by getting comedians booed offstage at college campuses and stuff like that.

Recently, Reddit decided to ban a bunch of racist hate-fueled subreddit communities, the most notable of which being “coontown,” which was a community comprised of thousands of racists getting together to post things about killing all black people and other generally hateful and terrible things.

So they got rid of coontown. And this UPSET PEOPLE. That’s mindblowing. People wanted to bring a community of people who thought that an entire race of people are subhuman and don’t deserve to live BACK, in the name of “free speech.” (While of course reminding you that they aren’t racist.) If defending the existence of “coontown” is your method of fighting for free speech, then it can be rationally argued that free speech isn’t a good thing. Then they’ll draw up a slippery slope for you where not allowing people to express hateful thoughts will lead to the United States becoming North Korea.

Seriously, a guy tried to tell me that “People could start complaining about how football is offensive, and then reddit will shut down the football subreddit.” He was dead ass serious. It’s not a fine line, it’s a big fat fucking line between banning a subreddit that says “Hey, I think all black people should die to” to an extremely fringe case where a feminist or something says “Football is offensive because it’s a sport that women can’t play.”

You’ll see these comments all over places like Reddit and YouTube heavily upvoted. And it’s true that some “Social Justice Warriors” (unaffectionately referred to as “SJWs”) are overzealous and actual crybabies, but then people will start… crying… about crying…

If you’re one of those people, get a fucking grip. The SJW boogeymen are not coming for you. You’re still going to be allowed to use the word “gay” as “stupid” and nobody’s going to throw you in prison for you pretending that black people prevented you from getting into Harvard. You’re all about being a red-blooded hardass fucking American, so don’t let the little SJW crybabies get to you.

PS. If you want a really easy glimpse at what these kind of people say, the best was to do it is by checking out ShitRedditSays, which also happens to be a subreddit that people wanted banned in retaliation for losing coontown. Because it’s offensive to racists. Right.

There’s Nothing Wrong With The Olive Garden

I’m not saying that The Olive Garden is super authentic Italian food. I’m from FUCKING LONG ISLAND, the land of Italian, Jewish, and Italianjewmigrants. I know what good pasta tastes like, and I know what good pizza tastes like.

But sometimes, you just want to stuff yourself and not pay $40 for your meal. People like to shit on The OG because it’s not real Italian food, and that’s some bullshit because I know you’re stuffing your stupid fucking face with Chipotle or even worse, MOE’S. Moe’s has no flavor. There’s no seasoning on that shit, there’s nothing Mexican about it.

You know what THE OG’s got? UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND SALAD, THAT’S WHAT THE OG’S GOT. If you don’t fuck with the OG, I don’t fuck with you. Because I’m gonna eat 2 plates of salad, a few breadsticks with alfredo dipping sauce, and a $15 entree, and I don’t care if it was made by a guy who’s seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa before. And if I want more, I can get more. The OG doesn’t pussyfoot about like when they offer unlimited pancakes and never come back to your table (I’m looking at you IHOP)

Everything has a time and a place. Sometimes you’re on a nice date and you want to splurge $150 on a meal. It’ll taste way better, and the waiter will probably pronounce it “mootzarelle,” I understand. I don’t recommend taking someone you’re trying to impress to Olive Garden. I’m saying that you should stop hating on me for liking unlimited breadsticks. It’s cheap food and it tastes good. If you don’t agree, don’t you dare fucking talk to me.

With Love,
Tay

Not Looking for a Boyfriend

If you’re having boy problems I feel bad for you son, I’ve got no problems because I don’t date the same guy for more than a month.

I’m a 22 year old woman, and I’ve only had one boyfriend ever. I had that one boyfriend during my senior year of high school, so in reality, I’ve never had any boyfriends. Maybe I’m ugly and intolerable and haven’t realized it yet, but I feel that if you’re not looking to have kids at 25, it’s a lot better to play the field and have fun than settle down as soon as you possibly can.

I think I’m one of the happiest out of all of my friends when it comes to dating and relationships. There’s a negative stigma about girls having sex with a lot of people, but since I was able to put that behind, I realize that just doing me and not worrying about finding “Mr. Right” all of the time, I don’t have to worry about it.

No meeting families, no buying each other presents, no feeling bad about canceling on someone. Most importantly, no fights. I’ve been a shoulder to cry on for a numerous amount of my friends because their boyfriend was being a dick or something, and I’ve never been able to say “Hey, I know exactly how you feel.”

If you’re in a relationship and happy with it, that’s great for you. I’m not telling you to break up with bae and sleep with 5 people next week. But if you’re unhappy and jump into relationships as soon as possible, maybe you should take your time before you try to put a ring on it.

Author Introduction: Taylor Hemmons

Hey everyone!  My name is Taylor, and I’m going to a big contributor to Staybreez.  Ken and I have been friends since high school, bonding over weird online games like Minecraft and Gunbound.

A few weeks ago, we founded a fake marketing/PR company called Swifti Media.  One day, we’re hoping for it to be a success, but we don’t really have the skills or experience needed to actually form this company.  So to help pave the way of making something real, Ken figured it’d be a good idea to run a website or blog to at least hone our skills in writing and design so this could one day become a real thing, so he brought me on board to his (formerly) personal blog.

My hobbies include being a basic ass white bitch, playing league of legends, and painting. Follow me on twitter yo.

I’m looking forward to contributing to this blog that nobody will read.

Kind Regards,

Tay