Month: July 2016

The Real Reason Why Everyone on Tinder is Ugly, and Everyone on Bumble is Hot

If you feel like you’re swiping through a herd of wildebeests when you open up Tinder, allow me to formally congratulate you on being statistically ugly!

When you use Tinder, your profile has a hidden score intended to match you up with people “in your league.” The score is based on Elo, a system originally invented to determine how skilled a player is at Chess. The methodology is simple; your score increases when people right swipe you, conversely decreasing with a left swipe. Your Tinder stack ends up being populated by potential dates with a similar score to you. Not too happy with what you’re seeing? Sorry to say that it might be you.

Bumble, a rival dating app that has surged in popularity since Tinder started limiting swipes is a different story. Instead of matching you with people around your attractiveness, Bumble instead pushes the most right swiped people right to the front of the line. So the bulk of your swiping is going to be used on wildly attractive and successful people that you and I have no chance with.

If you’re a guy who hasn’t tried the app yet, you’ll be surprised how many Harvard Graduate Investment Banker Babes there are out there parading their massive boobs around on a dating app. (And I assume bros with great abs if you’re a girl) Of course I don’t expect to match with them, but I personally find that swiping through online profiles I have no chance with is a very therapeutic form of self-loathing.

For those who don’t know Bumble’s gimmick, it forces the girl to message the guy first within 24 hours or the match is deleted. If a girl match never reaches out, guys can choose one girl per day to extend the messaging period an additional 24 hours. But if you’re not one of the most attractive people out there/have a really lucrative job (Bumble emphasizes jobs over alma mater) you’re likely going to be swiping for a while before you even have to worry about that.

Some of the local fare on Bumble. Wishful thinking.

Which app is better?

It probably depends on the kind of person you are.

I have a much higher hit ratio on Tinder, but the girls I match with can be pretty sketchy sometimes. It’s most likely due to the scoring system. At the risk of gassing myself up, I’d say that I’m attractive, but not traditionally attractive. A study done on OKCupid did determine that dating apps are (obviously) a lot easier for white people than nonwhites, so I do have to wonder if the score of minorities such as myself are negatively impacted by people who exclusively date white. Therefore, I can’t help but get the feeling that more attractive girls without racial preferences aren’t seeing my profile. But the traditionally attractive thing doesn’t even necessarily have to be a race thing. I’m sure some decent guys out there with like, beards or something get auto left swiped because they have a beard. If you fill some sort of niche, like being Jewish, that’s when you might start want to start looking for more specific apps like JSwipe.

As for myself, I’d say that Bumble is much better for me than Tinder. I like having my job listed in plain sight, and although I don’t get as many matches as I do on Tinder, the ones I’ve gotten have been very attractive and obviously willing to talk since they messaged me first.

In a way, Tinder is a dating app that’s not a dating app. It’s massive and used by regular people. If somebody even knows what Bumble is, they’ve probably had a disenfranchising experience on Tinder, or are also present on OKCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, or any of the other dozens of dating sites out there. People on those sites are more likely to be primary internet daters as opposed to regular people “looking for a fling that could maybe be something more,” that most people are looking for. But for some, that can be a downside. I know plenty of people who swipe on Tinder just for the ego boost, not intending to talk or meet with any of the people they match with. I personally feel that getting seemingly great matches on Tinder that don’t actually talk to you is a worse tease than the dimepiece Ivy League Lawyer profiles thrown at me when I first opened the app.

So if you’re not getting the kind of profiles you want on your tinder stack and don’t think you’re ugly, there IS statistical proof telling you that there’s something wrong with your profile. Maybe go get some professional photos taken, or not sound like a stalker in your bio. Happy Tindering.

Pokemon Go is the Solution to Obesity – Ask My Fat Ex Girlfriend

Turns out it’s hard to hit the gym, but not so hard to hit the pokemon gym.

I broke up with my ex-girl a few months ago, and nothing made me happier than to see my cheating ex-girlfriend balloon up into epic proportions. I’m not sure if she started eating her feelings or sum’n because i don’t talk to that trifling bitch, but she definitely packed on at least 30 pounds, if not more. I’m not one to hold long grudges though, and now I kinda feel bad. She used to be an athlete, one of those girls who were in shape from playing soccer and lacrosse in high school. The freshman 15 from reduced physical activity and a lot more binge drinking is okay on almost everyone. But if that isn’t kept under control, there’s also the sophomore 15, and now, my-boyfriend-broke-up-with-me 20. She was kinda cute, and now she is most certainly not kinda cute.

I’m super okay with her not looking good and struggling significantly harder romantically, but I also don’t want her to have like, health complications. Wishing heart attacks on people is some serious bad karma. Over the months, I had seen her post shit from mapmyrun onto facebook, but she’s not going fast, far, or even out period like more than once a week, so that isn’t really gonna do shit for her. Hopefully she never tried signing up for a gym, because those always lock you into yearlong contracts that she was clearly not utilizing.

But now, Pokemon Go has been released. You gotta go outside to catch em all, and a lot of sedentary fucks have finally gotten off their asses to go grind some pokemon. The most fit-encouraging feature I’ve seen is that you’ve literally gotta walk miles to hatch eggs and apparently she’s been at it because she’s posting screenshots like:

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I’ve gone out to play myself a few times and don’t have a single Pokemon over 200 CP, and I’m someone who likes to go on walks for no damn reason. But now, a significant amount of the smartphone population and going out to walk a few miles a day. My fat ex aside, this game can do wonders for those who think the have no other reason to get exercise than to catch em’ all.

Brandon Jennings is the perfect complement to Derrick Rose and the Knicks

What an offseason the New York Knicks are having. Without any picks in the draft at all, it was absolutely necessary for the 17-65 Knicks to make some changes to the lineup via trades and free agent signings. While the Knicks acquiring former MVP Derrick Rose from the Bulls has been the biggest news making the headlines, the signing of Brandon Jennings for just 5 million might be just as important.

The 2014-2015 Pistons were a success story in the makings before Jennings injured his Achilles in early 2015. He was averaging 15.4 points, 6.6 assists, and 1.1 steals while playing 28.6 minutes per game. They had gone on a 12-6 stretch before losing Jennings, finishing 32-50 without him. Jennings did make a comeback with the Magic last year, and was still highly productive in limited minutes. While Derrick Rose might never be the same with ACL injuries hampering his hyper-athletic playstyle, Jennings suffered from a much less severe achilles injury. He will be able to pass and shoot just as capably as he was before. And more importantly, significantly better than Jose Calderon or Langston Galloway ever could.

But the most important part of the signing is that he is the perfect guard to complement Derrick Rose. Jennings is starting caliber, and even from the bench will still be able to log significant minutes to reduce the stress on Derrick Rose’s knees. Sharing minutes between the two means that the Knicks should always have a capable point guard on the court. Especially exciting to see since the Knicks have gone seasons without having any sort of true point guard at all.

Some could even argue that Jennings will be able to take the starting spot from Rose. I don’t think it matters who starts. Having both Rose and Jennings means the Knicks don’t necessarily need Derrick Rose to play like his MVP season, or Jennings to drop 55 again. The offensive onslaught will be relentless anyway.  Perhaps it could even be interesting to see both of them on the floor at the same time, but I think they’d be better off splitting minutes so a playmaker will always be on the floor.

Nobody was sold on Derrick Rose going out there logging 40+ minutes a night like Russell Westbrook. With the addition of Jennings, there’s no reason he has to. It will certainly be exciting to see how the two point guards play with Carmelo Anthony and Kristaps Porzingis in the upcoming season.