Month: March 2016

Heyyyyy – A Crash Course In Textual Interest

Alright, so you finally met up with that girl from Tinder. You got coffee and made some good conversation, but you only met for an hour since she had crossfit or some other millennial female obligation afterward. You’re texting her and she’s texting back, but without being able to see her body language or tone, you can’t tell if she’s really that into you or not. Your first instinct will be to show your boys and see what they think. Don’t bother with this, because they can’t help you. One of your friends looks like Brad Pitt and he’s going to assume she’s interested, because every girl is interested in him. Your other friend has had sex one time ever, and will also tell you that she’s interested because he obviously knows what he’s talking about.

But in reality, gauging how interested a girl is through her text messages is a simple but precise science. This information contained in this lesson is not peer-reviewed or from an academic study performed in a controlled environment, but results should be fairly easy to reproduce these experiments on your own.

How Many Y’s Though?

You might have noticed that girls like to add extra letters to words when they text. Guys do this too, but it’s much more likely for a male to replicate the behavior of the person that he’s texting. Males texting each other are never “realllyyyyy exciteddddd” to go the bar tonight. The below two examples are essentially the same conversation, but one Male to Female, and the other Male to Male. It should be fairly obvious to decipher which is which.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can see with the exclamation points, emojis, and extra letters, she was obviously enthusiastic about seeing me that night. On the other hand, if your texts to a girl look like more like the conversation I had with my good buddy Luke, she’s probably not that down.

Since “hey” is typically the most acceptable greeting for a text conversation, it is by far the best way to gauge interest. More y’s indicates more interest. A “hey” with only a single y roughly translates to “fuck off,” a “heyyy” with three y’s indicates some interest, and a “heyyyyyyy” with seven y’s indicates that she wants anal.

Now you might be thinking, “Whoa, slow down there! She wants anal? How could that be?”

Here’s an important fact that many who claim to understand y-theory fail to realize. Y’s are added to “hey” on a base ten logarithmic scale, similar to the Richter scale used to measure earthquakes. What this means is that each “y” is ten times more powerful than the last. Think of how a magnitude 5 earthquake will likely just move some furniture while a magnitude 6 can collapse a building. That’s what we are dealing with here.

heyscale2
Disclaimer: No amount of y’s is actually equal to consent. Don’t be a rapist.

Here’s a fairly typical example of a text where we have just exchanged numbers. Notice the “cute” comment with the extra letters. Even if she didn’t say that, I could fairly assume that I have something to work with here.

Here is an example of a text where the girl is my friend, but obviously not interested that way. Aside from her stating “i am not interested in you,” you can see that even though she is being friendly with me, she is not adding any extra bubbliness or emotion into her texts:


An important thing not to get confused with adding extra letters to the ends of words is the use of emojis, exclamation points, and maybe sometimes ~’s at the end of sentences from those artsy worldly hippie chicks. I’ve talked about bubbliness before, and here you have to gauge who exactly you’re texting. If you’re texting the recruitment chair of Alpha Chi Omega, she probably uses emojis all of the time. On the other hand, if you’re texting a deadpan Aubrey Plaza type girl, she probably won’t. But worry not, the “heyyyyy” can come from any type of girl.

So now, you should be a total expert in interpreting texts. Get out there and catch some y’s!

Snapchat: The Insincere Social Network

We all know about going to events and sending out “SUPER LIT!!!🔥” snaps even if you weren’t having any fun at all. It’s expected. You go to a baseball game and you don’t like sports? It’s all good, because your whole friends list received a picture of you smiling on the Green Monster at Fenway, even though you left after the 4th inning. I’m sure most of your snapchats are genuine, but there’s plenty of questionable shit that people “do for the (snap)story” that just leave my head shaking.

Making Your Ex Jealous

There is truly no feeling like making your ex jealous. Experience shows that the result is usually worth lying for, making snapchat a perfect tool. You don’t even have to send it directly to the person. Just pop it on the story and they’ll see it. The first time I was exposed to someone flat out lying to snapchat was my friend’s roommate a few days after her ex had broken up with her. She was a complete fucking wreck and apparently hadn’t left her room all day, but when I was over their place pregaming with some friends, she dolled herself up to take a picture with us for snapchat and then LITERALLY went back to her room to cry. They eventually got back together, so whatever works, right?

I’ve tried this out myself, getting platonic female friends to pose with me at the bar after I had gone through a breakup. Thinking of my ex opening the snap and seething with rage like she just found out Santa wasn’t real was too warm of a feeling.

Passive-Aggressive, and probably extremely childish. But it’s social media. Nobody is adult on social media.

 

Keeping In Touch

I don’t know how many people like me there are out there, but I’m incapable of actively texting more than one person at a time unless it’s for upcoming plans. If I have a girlfriend at the time, conversationally texting anybody else is probably out of the question. I typically take 2 hours to respond when one of my high school friends asks something like me “Hey dude, where do you live right now?” and probably won’t bother to continue the text past 6 exchanges. It’s just how I am.

Mass texts are obvious, but mass snaps much less so. For a while, I was able to fool myself into thinking that I was in touch with more people than ever by sending every snap I took to like, 15 or more people. Snapchat best friend doesn’t necessarily mean actual best friend. For some of these people, I can tell they had a sick time at the bar last weekend (or were pretending to, at least) but sometimes I can’t answer a really simple question about them… like where they live. (If they don’t use geofilters, of course.)

 

Sexting

As someone unfortunate enough to have been in a long-distance relationship, and/or date someone they met online first, I realize that stuff like cam-banging on Skype is a necessary evil. As for snapchat, I’m still not convinced. Maybe it’s just the people that I’ve done this with, but it’s never good when you’re out in public and open up a snapchat of boobs without any warning. Perhaps I dated multiple people who just had no common decency to warn when they’re about to send the goods, and one girl who definitely took way too many showers.

 

Read Receipts Replacement

“Read Receipts” is one of the fun things you can search on twitter at any time of day for some comedy gold. There’s a community of people who are strong advocates in keeping read receipts on whether it’s for “honesty” or because they actively want people to know that they’re being ignored.

For the overly paranoid, sending somebody a snapchat is apparently an effective way to tell if somebody is ignoring your text or not, because people are a lot more likely to open a snap than respond to a text that requires any amount of thought to be put into it. If you send a snap and that little red box ends up hollow, that FUCKER is ignoring your text! Also, an alternative method is posting something on your story and repeatedly checking who viewed it. A little excessive, but sometimes you have to know if you’re being ignored at all costs.

Fact of the matter is, we don’t put our fucking phones down ever and I don’t need a read receipt to know that you read my text right away. It’s okay. Everyone does it. Take your time.

 

So if you’ve received a snap from me lately, it’s probably for one of 3 reasons.

  1. I saw something that made me think of you, so I sent the snap to you individually.
  2. I’m tryna boink or something?
  3. I got really drunk and just happened to hit your name.

Oceanside Nights: The Ballad of Kevon Carter

My mom recently asked me if Steven Curry was a good basketball player, and her mispronunciation of the NBA’s greatest shooter’s name took me way longer to process than it should have. It’s second nature for anyone who keeps up with sports to read Stephen Curry’s first name as “Steff-in” and it made me think about how parents change the pronunciation or spelling of an otherwise common name to make it unique.

The worst, but simultaneously best example I can think of is a guy I used to run high school track against named Kevon Carter. He was a black distance runner who could drop a 4:18 mile, making him one of the fastest in the county. Back in those days, it was likely that you read someone’s name on a results sheet before you ever got to have a conversation with them, so in a world of Darnelle Mickens and Khalil Doziers, it was pretty natural that we all assumed that poor Kevon’s name was pronounced “Key-von.” Who would’ve guessed that his name was pronounced good old whiteboy Kevin?

But the community decided that his name was Keyvon and that’s the name that stuck. Coaches prayed that Keyvon wouldn’t run 3 events at the next meet. Runners debated whether Keyvon was faster than Marco Bertolotti. Even the announcers at the meets were informing the spectators that Keyvon scored 26 points today. There were more people that thought his name was Keyvon than actually knew his name.

14402027062_73c058cd25_h

I wouldn’t discover his true identity until one of those miserable early spring meets where it was rainy and definitely not warm enough to be sitting outside for a few hours. At the Oceanside Blue and White Invitational, Kevon was unfortunate enough to be running the 2 mile, the longest event at the end of the night. The lone star in the 2 mile that night, he caused approximately 9 and a half minutes of the announcer shouting “Keyvon with a huge lead!” or “Keyvon approaching the bell lap!”

Although he won race with ease, you generally don’t have a good time running through poor weather conditions in short shorts and a singlet. As he crossed the finish line, he broke. He started shouting at the top of his lungs, and to everyone that heard it, it was like witnessing a prophecy.

“It’s cold, it’s raining, I hate this sport. My name is Kevin, damn it!”

This moment was so surreal that I’m not even sure it actually happened. To this day I’m still not even entirely sure what his name is. I only heard him refer to himself as Kevin once. I’ve heard Keyvon Carter a thousand times.

How miserable it must be to fight the wind and rain while an announcer convinces a crowd of 500 that your name isn’t pronounced the way your parents meant it to.