Month: August 2015

Lessons Learned from “Buying U A Drank”

Part I. Jedi Mind Tricks

If there’s a piece of advice that I’d give to any inexperienced guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar, it’s that asking to buy a girl a drink without even really talking to her isn’t a sure way to get laid, but instead a guaranteed way to drain your wallet. Thankfully, I learned this painlessly, a fantastic night as I third wheeled with my roommate and his 18-year old girlfriend to Cornerstone Loft & Grill, right off the campus of The University of Maryland. My roommate Luke’s girlfriend was named Erin, and even though she wasn’t even legal to drink, she was already a professional con artist at tricking dudes into buying her drinks.

Erin was an attractive, but not super attractive blonde. Like, the average dude would definitely say yes to sleeping with her, but It would take more than just a simple request to get a guy to buy a round of drinks for her friends. I swore that girl was able to pull some major Obi-Wan Kenobi shit. That night, she was able to convince random guys to not only buy drinks for her, but for her boyfriend as well as me, her boyfriend’s roommate through pure trickery. She would start up a conversation with random girls while simultaneously trying to eye down guys who were already trying to buy drinks at the bar. Once they had locked eye contact, she would approach them, and talk about how her friends were trying to meet some new people, and that they’d also love to have some guys buy them drinks. The guys are thinking that they just scored themselves some friendly conversation with the decoy girls, if not a partner in bed that night, so there was a 100% success rate of 3 drinks being added to that tab. She’d take the drinks, say she’d bring them to her friends and come back, walk right past the decoys and right back to us, her actual friends.

I would watch her scurry away from her prey after snatching the goods and see the looks on their faces when she didn’t bring them to the girls that she was talking to earlier. The guys would just shrug, and maybe laugh at the guy who just put the drinks on his card. As if that shit happens all the time. Which it does. Erin was definitely a special one though. That girl managed to fool some poor group of dudes TWICE IN THE SAME NIGHT. Like, they had already saw her run away with the drinks, come back saying something about her friends being shy or something and said one of the dudes was really cute. And she’d just run away with the drinks again. And once again, a shrug and some laughing.

 

Part II. The Legend of the Five Dollar Bill

Sometimes, approaching a girl can go horribly wrong. But thankfully, one incident I’ve witnessed that has made sure that I can never feel that bad about looking creepy or awkward ever again, because it will NEVER be as bad as the time Geno tried to buy a girl a drink. In the prior section, I discussed magical Erin, able to charm guys into buying drinks for her imaginary girl friends. Geno on the other hand is anything but magical.

Before I can rush into this incredible story, you have to learn some backstory on our friend Geno. I’m not even sure how I came to be friends with Geno. He hails from Upstate New York, which might as well be on an entirely different planet from civilized, Actual New York. He essentially grew up in a trailer park, living a rather sheltered life, but was suddenly thrown into the real world, where he finally got to interact with people who weren’t rednecks. On top of all of this, his voice LITERALLY SOUNDS LIKE MICKEY MOUSE. Talk about unfortunate. Geno was always around, and considered “one of the gang,” but nobody was ever sure how that came to be. He’s the kind of guy who would just show up when you made plans with your friends to meet at a public place, but would suddenly show up. Everyone knew him, but nobody would ever admit to inviting him. It seems strange, but it was pretty fun to have him around due to his social ineptitude and the unintentionally hilarious situations his shrill Mickey Mouse Voice would create. This is among his best stories.

Geno was an entertaining drunk. He was already loud and unnecessarily aggressive while sober, but it’d be taken to an extreme with alcohol. Add an extra dose of clumsiness, and the dude is knocking over chairs, making a mess, but also making sure everyone else around him was having a good time. I suspect he knew he was a social punching bag, but secretly took it in pride, as he knew it would affix himself as a member of the gang, and would keep on getting him the invites to hang out. For the most part, these drunk shenanigans happened within the confines of somebody’s home, but this legendary tale occurred during a night out at the bar.

So one crowded night at a fairly popular bar, he lets us know that one of his coworkers is present and that he’s got a crush on her. This excites just about everyone. He was the type to suck up to girls in our little group all the time. With the earlier description, it shouldn’t be a surprise that Geno isn’t quite a casanova. Girls in our group have mentioned that he’s kind of cute or got better looking over the years, but just about all of them were entirely repulsed by his personality. We all wanted to see him in action with a girl who isn’t one of us. So his plan is to buy her a drink.

Cue the T-Pain music. Buying a girl a drink is a classic Hollywood move to cold approach a girl, and I’ve stated that it’s a terrible idea, but even more terrible performed by somebody who doesn’t know how to execute it properly. Think about all of the ways that buying a girl a drink can go wrong. You will not guess Geno’s messup correctly. Buying the girl a drink but having no drink for yourself? That’s kind of awkward. Nope. The girl tries to take advantage by ordering a shot of Blue Label? Erin could probably pull that off, but nope, that wasn’t it either. Something as simple as stuttering? Well, maybe he did that too. In fact, he PROBABLY stuttered while doing this. But that was not the mistake that Geno made.

Geno technically didn’t even buy his coworker a drink. Instead, he handed her a five dollar bill, and told her it was for the drink she had purchased for herself just before. This is the most cringeworthy thing I’ve ever heard in a pickup scenario, and I doubt I’ll ever hear anything more embarrassing. In his mid-twenties, this man did not know that it wasn’t proper bar etiquette to give somebody money for a drink that they had already purchased to “pick them up”. This isn’t even to mention that she was drinking a margarita-type drink at a rather ritzy bar that probably ran at least $8. Not only did he just hand the lady a five, but it wouldn’t have even been enough to cover the price of the drink.

There are two lessons to learn from this story. Buying a girl a drink is probably a bad idea if you’re not sure that she’s actually chill, and that there is never a reason to feel embarrassed about messing up with a potential romantic interest after you’ve heard this story.

The Beating Up Small Children Award, First Place

There are a lot of people out there who think that participation trophies in youth sports have played a big role in making the millennial generation “useless and entitled.” After all, why put in any effort to win if you know you’re going to get a nice piece of plastic at the end regardless? When I think about the any negative impact that trophies caused in my life, one award particularly comes to mind, and it’s not the coed baseball participation trophy I received for picking grass in the outfield and striking out every single at bat.

shiai
/ˈʃiːaɪ/
noun
1.
a judo contest
Word Origin
Japanese

 
This was Jiu-Jitsu rather than Judo, but the Shiai was a yearly fighting tournament at my dojo with a single elimination bracket. Considering the students at the competition ranged from 1st graders to high schoolers, we had to be separated into different divisions based on size and skill. To make things fair, right? I was excited, expecting that I would be able to compete against my usual training partners, Nick, Danny, and Hunter. We would finally get to see who was deserving of bragging rights among our tight-knit training group. Nick was typically the best of us, because his dad did Jiu-Jitsu too. Nick ended up being a counterpunching Floyd Mayweather before any of use even knew who Floyd Mayweather was. But I had been doing better in my sparring matches lately, and I was ready for that faceoff. That was, until I looked at the divisions.

 
Nick, Danny, and Hunter were in the same division, as expected… But I was placed two divisions lower, with smaller and younger people. I was a green belt, and they were all orange or worse. The only name I recall from that group was Elizabeth Toro, and I instantly knew I didn’t belong in that group. She was good, but she was a small little girl. I already knew that it was going to be the two of us in the finals.

I did weigh less than my three training partners, but it still didn’t make any sense. I should have at least been in the division below them. I was at least half a head taller than the next biggest competitor, and had much longer reach, which was huge in these kinds of fights. They obviously weren’t going to let a bunch of kids beat the crap out of each other, so we all wore plenty of protective gear, and the fight would end after a certain number of clean connections. And for good reason. If this was a no-holds-barred fight, I would’ve killed every single one of them. I think in the 3 or 4 fights I had before the finals, I had like a total of 2 punches land on me. I was a monster. I was way too big for my competition, and Elizabeth was a fan favorite and made short work of her opponents as well. To nobody’s surprise, it was us in the finals. As I said, she was good. She got a few punches on me, but in the end, I destroyed her, because it simply wasn’t fair.

There’s an awards ceremony, I get the biggest trophy of my life, and then I sit there and watch Nick beat the crap out of Hunter in the finals and he gets awarded an even bigger trophy than me.

“I would’ve killed you too,” I told Nick. After seeing what he did to Hunter, I didn’t truly believe it, but hey, I had a first place trophy and Hunter didn’t.

#LoopLife

I’ve been parading this picture from the last day of my internship all over my other social media accounts and getting tons and tons of likes, so I might as well show this off here too.

 

Photography by Tommy Vo

It’s always awkward.

If youre at your friends house and he cooked like hot dogs or burgers hes like is it good man? and the tv is on and there’s a commercial talking about “put down that nasty ass shitty hot dog brand and try this one instead. Cause if you dont youre just sad”. And the brand he cooked WASNT the one on the tv so youre like damn i hope he didnt hear the tv and you look over and hes just staring at the stove weird as fuck so you say hey man its really good. But he stil stares at the stove.

Wrongchilde – Dance to Your Heartbeat Lyrics

i’ll remember this night still when i’m older
every time your head lands on my shoulder
we swing our heads like marionettes
i’m so alive with you
if you kiss me like you mean it
i will never leave if
the lights are off, the dj’s gone
it’s cool with me because i’ll dance to your heartbeat

dance to your heartbeat
dance to your heartbeat

when i’m caught your eyes it’s like a time lapse
all the lashes are just like venus flytraps
stay gold they sing, all of the wild things
i’m alive with you

i know they say you act strangely
i hope you’ll never think of changing
when the power’s cut and closes shut
it’s cool, you’ll see, i’ll be dancing to your heartbeat

to your heartbeat
dance, dance to your heartbeat
to your heartbeat

just say we can light a fire that could burn for ages
see the glow from outer space
and spin to the DJ plays

always i swear to god we should run away
you can wear my coat, you can wear my chain
and when the sun comes up wear my ray-bans shades

oh babe, everyone’s dressed like a masquerade
in tux and gowns and cheap champagne

i ask you to dance but i was so afraid
now my heart’s going boom boom boom

i’ll dance to your heartbeat
to your heartbeat
i’ll dance, dance, to your heartbeat
to your heartbeat
c’mon
dance dance to your heartbeat
to your heartbeat
to your heartbeat
yeah
dance dance to your heartbeat
to your heartbeat
dance to your heartbeat


 

A commenter corrected bayonets to marionettes, let me know if anything else looks wrong here

The Modern Internet Racist – Justifying against Social Justice

We all have that crazy uncle who posts articles on Facebook about how there’s nothing wrong with the Confederate Flag. You’ve scrolled down and read a bunch of comments about how the millennial generation is far too sensitive and they’re ruining the world by getting comedians booed offstage at college campuses and stuff like that.

Recently, Reddit decided to ban a bunch of racist hate-fueled subreddit communities, the most notable of which being “coontown,” which was a community comprised of thousands of racists getting together to post things about killing all black people and other generally hateful and terrible things.

So they got rid of coontown. And this UPSET PEOPLE. That’s mindblowing. People wanted to bring a community of people who thought that an entire race of people are subhuman and don’t deserve to live BACK, in the name of “free speech.” (While of course reminding you that they aren’t racist.) If defending the existence of “coontown” is your method of fighting for free speech, then it can be rationally argued that free speech isn’t a good thing. Then they’ll draw up a slippery slope for you where not allowing people to express hateful thoughts will lead to the United States becoming North Korea.

Seriously, a guy tried to tell me that “People could start complaining about how football is offensive, and then reddit will shut down the football subreddit.” He was dead ass serious. It’s not a fine line, it’s a big fat fucking line between banning a subreddit that says “Hey, I think all black people should die to” to an extremely fringe case where a feminist or something says “Football is offensive because it’s a sport that women can’t play.”

You’ll see these comments all over places like Reddit and YouTube heavily upvoted. And it’s true that some “Social Justice Warriors” (unaffectionately referred to as “SJWs”) are overzealous and actual crybabies, but then people will start… crying… about crying…

If you’re one of those people, get a fucking grip. The SJW boogeymen are not coming for you. You’re still going to be allowed to use the word “gay” as “stupid” and nobody’s going to throw you in prison for you pretending that black people prevented you from getting into Harvard. You’re all about being a red-blooded hardass fucking American, so don’t let the little SJW crybabies get to you.

PS. If you want a really easy glimpse at what these kind of people say, the best was to do it is by checking out ShitRedditSays, which also happens to be a subreddit that people wanted banned in retaliation for losing coontown. Because it’s offensive to racists. Right.

Track of the Day: Gazzo – Sun Turns Cold

This isn’t exactly a new song, but I ran into it on Spotify, and the drop to this is super dank and catchy. Gazzo is an EDM dude who made the song that my old roommate Luke listened to about 6 times a day because he was featured in a music video with “Never Touch The Ground” in the background. I still listen to that song ironically since it’s been drilled into my head, along with “Hold On We’re Going Home” some Robin Thicke song I don’t know the name of, and “I Could Be The One”

I think I’m literally going to make a “Luke” playlist. It’d be really easy to make, and it’s perfect for bros who just love EDM and Drake.

Which reminds me, I gotta put together a new playlist. For whatever reason my 5 day playlist keeps playing the same damn Gorillaz tracks over and over again even on shuffle.

GPS Tracking, Google Maps, Tinfoil Hats, and More!

I feel like I’m one of the few people that enjoys that the GPS on my phone is constantly on and reporting to google exactly what I’m doing at any given moment. I’m the kind of person who likes that they can go back and see what places I’ve been to before, or find out little fun facts like how long a lunch break at a certain restaurant takes, whether it was really necessary to take an Uber home (usually not), or what exactly I did during a drunken night where the details are fuzzy.

I recall the IPA beer flight at Yard House hitting me rather hard.

I’ve got google tracking me all day, I regularly check into Swarm, I go on runs with the Nike+ app, and have location tags attached to all of my tweets. If it wasn’t so meticulous, I would track the calories I eat and compare it with my weight.

I suppose this is the same reason why I’m into data analytics so much. How many people clicked on the article I wrote about underwear for Karmaloop? How many people bought Fitbit shares at the IPO? Is it worth writing more articles about underwear or investing in $FIT? All very interesting stuff to me.

But on the other hand, there’s a lot of people who don’t like this. While Google says it’s “just you” that has access to this data, it’s pretty much accepted that the NSA is keeping track of this just like they have all of your phone and text message logs. I’m not one to say “If there’s nothing you need to hide, there’s nothing to worry about” since I’m not comfortable with people reading my texts either, but in terms of location, it’s nothing that really scares me. Yet still there, are people who won’t upgrade to Windows 10 because of all the tracking data that gets sent to Microsoft, and people who immediately turn off the GPS feature when they get a new phone.

Overall, I think GPS technology and the ability to track everything is great. However I do also believe that those who don’t want to be tracked shouldn’t be required to participate in these services. It always irked me that social media sites like Facebook have been making it increasingly more difficult to hide yourself and not display personal information over the years. Either way, I don’t think Skynet is going to happen, and I enjoy that I can see that I ran 3 miles at a 6:58 pace last Tuesday. Technology is cool, man.

whats cat up to

whats cat up to

This is a phrase I’ve used before, for the short lived Caturday trend. You might glanced upon the phrase “whats cat up to” almost anywhere on the internet, whether it’s trying to find a new ATV Quadsome poor little welsh girl’s blog, or a page containing many pictures of cats.

Unfortunately, It’s nigh impossible to explain the true origins of whats cat up to, but there are many modern interpretations that might help.

Californian internet user “renavlt” is generally accepted to be the originator of whats cat up to, using it to post viral images and videos of cats, but the odd part was that the name stuck in it’s apostrophe-less lowercase format for years. The widely-believed reason for this is a relation to another internet phenomenon “hey evryone whatsup gamboys

The phrase has evolved into a greeting, along the lines of “what’s up dawg,” primarily seeing use in internet chatrooms, but also on popular website forums such as bodybuilding.com and IGN.

It is most unfortunate, but perhaps we will never know why this phrase caught on.

If the author is to be totally honest, the only reason this article was written so it would be likely to appear when the phrase “whats cat up to” is typed into lycos or ask jeeves or whatever search engine the kids are using these days.